Majority Report

I was one pinky spasm away from downward facing full pretzel, when the doorbell rang causing it all to unravel.
THEY delivered my package before I had ordered it! Mark Zuckerberg, where do you get those wonderful haircuts?

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My Crimes in Japan

Handing out pamphlets while white, walking while white, walking through train station while White, waiting for plane flight while White twice in one hour! Moving in while white, jogging while white, shopping while white

These are the crimes for which I have been stopped and questioned or monitored by the police or Japanese security while in Japan.

On Yoga

Yoga-I can get into the half pretzel, but I’ve yet to get into the full pretzel, sober. Full pretzels require me to be laying at the bottom of the stairs.

That Smell….?

Something smelled…..that was the tragic

Moment I realized I had Gogatsu BO…..

For your Friend`s Next Birthday

Why not give your friend something unique? – something they may or may not remember you by. Except perhaps by deja vu. Yes give the people you love the gift that keeps on giving:

REINCARNATION

Kevin Burns

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On Flying

I understand a lot of things, but I don’t understand why we are allowed to bring the flesh of dead animal carcasses on board commercial flights? Carrion!? At check in,they even ask you if you have carrion, like it’s an ok thing.

Helpful Laundry Symbols:

A Haiku on Enlightenment

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I was at the store,
I searched for enlightenment,
but I found cold beer.

 

Kevin Burns

Santa Claus suspended by Christmas Society for sexual misconduct allegations

Santa Claus is the latest public figure to be felled by sexual misconduct allegations, with NPB ((North Pole Broadcasting) halting his show Monday following a Washington Post report with the accusations of eight women, two reindeer and an elf.

Photo: Santa pictured here with his balls

The women, reindeer and the elf, who all worked for Claus or tried to work for him, accused the veteran gift giver of groping them, walking naked in front of them and telling one that he dreamed about her swimming nude (presumably on a tropical island not Baffin Island).

Pictured: This accuser was willing to come forward

Claus, 75, said in a statement that he was “deeply embarrassed” and apologized for his behaviour.

“NPB was shocked to learn today of these deeply disturbing allegations,” the public broadcasting service of the Pole said in a statement. “We are immediately suspending distribution of ‘Santa and Friends.'”

Now the prospect looms of the possibility of no Christmas!

Further, lawyers for Claus, have argued, “what happened to the presumption of innocence until proven guilty?”

In a plea bargain agreement, Claus offered to go eco, and give children solar panels instead of coal, but the prosecution rejected this.

“It feels like celebrities are being tried by the Press. They are being suspended or dismissed before they even stand trial.” – Santa’s lawyers argued.

OJ Simpson, in the Bahamas, still looking for the killer, Said he is, “pulling for Claus.”

By Kevin Burns

Any Guy in A Relationship can Relate

Getting to Work

I hate it when I’m on the way to work, and I’m reading a great book, and I just get to the really good sexy part, and I remember my car isn’t a self driving car! If you don’t like the way I drive, get out of the kiddie pool!!!

“How am I driving today? 1-800-8767-78fu”