Droppin some nuts

The strangest thing happened the other day. I dropped some nuts for this crow that hangs out around our house. Then later on, it drops some nuts in front of me! That’s when I realized it was

Quid pro Crow!

Kevin Burns

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YOU CAN BE THE STORE DETECTIVE!

Games you can Play in Japan

You are the Store Detective

Back to the Japan Living Section

Games you can play in Japan!

I love games, and here is one game you can play in Japan! I love this game!

I call it: “You are the Store Detective.”

It is one of my all time favorites. I often play it on a rainy day, or after I am bored with playing other games, like:

Teach Students to Talk Wrong.–More on that one later.

Games you can Play – Here`s what you do:

You go into a store, say a Toys r` Us, they are everywhere in Japan;or another large store–say a supermarket or a department store.It shouldn`t be a store where they know you. You need to not be a regular customer there, and I will go into that in a Hokkaido minute.

So go to a store that is far from your home.

You want to attract as much attention as possible.I am tall and white so I attract attention everywhere in Japan!!!! If you are African or of African decent,even better!

Games you can Play – The Store Detectives

Store detectives in Japan, absolutely love visible minorities–especially large men. We are really popular!

It is sad, in this day an age, but store detectives in Japan, are prejudiced against Japanese customers.

Japanese customers have to work very hard indeed,to get any attention at all in fact, from store clerks or store detectives.

Sometimes yelling and screaming works, stomping your feet and jumping up and down, or talking to yourself.I do this all the time. I did this at my last job.

That was five years ago.

BTW, if you know of any job openings let me know. I could use the work.

Games you can Play – Foreign Women in Japan

Foreign women I think are at a disadvantage here. But if you follow the handy tips below, I think you too can attract your favorite store detective.

Indeed, experts at this game have noted, that you can get the attention of your favourite store detective by wearing certain kinds of clothing:

Tight fitting clothes with no pockets, are not good for attracting him. You must wear loose fitting clothes, with huge pockets. Preferably a very long coat with huge visible pockets on the outside of the coat.

I often wear my long Hillfiger coat which I use for sports. It is huge and you just know your average to above average store detective is just thinking:

“Wow that dude could pack away a lot of stuff in those pockets.”

If you can have things hanging out of it that look like items from the store you are going into, all the better!

If it is a Toys r` Us, I often have a Thomas the tank engine train hanging out of my left pocket. I don`t mean just the engine, I mean a whole train!–at least five cars long so it hangs down the side of the coat, and looks kind of like I opened up a box at the back of the store, put the train together surreptitiously, and hung it in my pocket.

This is great! It always gets them going!

That`s what you want, you want the store detective thinking about you. You want to rattle him and get their attention. You want him to make himself obvious.

So you are probably getting the idea now, your goal is to attract the store detective. It shouldn`t be a store clerk. Anyone can do that by jumping up and down and shouting. I do it all the time as mentioned.

My boss used to mention it all the time.

I miss him.

He was a nice guy.

Then, your goal is to attract the store detective:that is the undercover person posing as a customer.It could be that husky guy right next to you now who just suddenly showed up in your aisle,and just happened to need to look at something right next to,or right in front of you.

Another technique store detectives love to use,is the sweep. They often use this one after they have stood next to you. They leave and about 2 minutes later they come flying back down the same aisle,walking very quickly and go past you. All the while, they try to watch you in a subtle way.

One thing to note, you do need to be a little careful out there, as the guy who you think is the store detective,may just turn out to be gay or crazy,or God forbid,

Crazy and Gay!!!!!!

Women too, you have to be careful that, that guy next to you, doesn`t just think you are soooo hot!

So it is best not to wear sexy clothing, as alluded to above.

Games you can Play – Goal

Goal of the Game: You are to seek out the store detective and when you think you have found him, you become the store detective, and follow him around the store.

I did this at a store in Kanagawa and it was so funny! He didn`t know what to do!

…And neither did my wife!

This is true, it was a recycle shop in Odawara and I followed him around the store. The clerks started laughing about it.

Games you can Play – Rules Clarification

If you guess wrong, and the store detective turns out to actually be a customer or is Gay, or Crazy; or Crazy and Gay, all of these results are -50 points. You lose!

Then, the next player goes into the store to try.

The winner who correctly guesses who the store detective is and follows him around the store causing annoyance wins the game and gets 100 points.

Who knows you may even get a job offer if you are good!

Some store detectives and players have even ended up getting married! I get cards all the time thanking me and saying, I got hitched while playing your game man!

It makes me smile all over….

I think this game is going to be BIG in Japan!and you can tell people that you know me eh!

“You Can Be the Store Detective!”

Disclaimer: If the store detective has a gun, best to be careful with this game!!!! If you get killed or injured don`t call us.

This was all a Joke!

Majority Report

I was one pinky spasm away from downward facing full pretzel, when the doorbell rang causing it all to unravel.
THEY delivered my package before I had ordered it! Mark Zuckerberg, where do you get those wonderful haircuts?

My Crimes in Japan

Handing out pamphlets while white, walking while white, walking through train station while White, waiting for plane flight while White twice in one hour! Moving in while white, jogging while white, shopping while white

These are the crimes for which I have been stopped and questioned or monitored by the police or Japanese security while in Japan.

On Yoga

Yoga-I can get into the half pretzel, but I’ve yet to get into the full pretzel, sober. Full pretzels require me to be laying at the bottom of the stairs.

That Smell….?

Something smelled…..that was the tragic

Moment I realized I had Gogatsu BO…..

For your Friend`s Next Birthday

Why not give your friend something unique? – something they may or may not remember you by. Except perhaps by deja vu. Yes give the people you love the gift that keeps on giving:

REINCARNATION

Kevin Burns

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On Flying

I understand a lot of things, but I don’t understand why we are allowed to bring the flesh of dead animal carcasses on board commercial flights? Carrion!? At check in,they even ask you if you have carrion, like it’s an ok thing.

Helpful Laundry Symbols:

A Haiku on Enlightenment

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I was at the store,
I searched for enlightenment,
but I found cold beer.

Kevin Burns